Let's Talk About....

...Infidelity...or the appearance of such. Or its reality. Either way, we are always much too hard on ourselves for exploring our desires. It's how we do it that produces the inner sanctum of turmoil.

I have the good fortune here to be in personal contact with several of you. I am proud to know such passionate, emotional, enjoyable folk, men and women alike. Recently I have been touched by a couple of friends whose involvement with lovers outside a primary relationship has them reeling a bit. I am one who would never, ever judge anyone unless it hurt me or those I love in a deeply personal way. We cannot help who we fall in love with -- those are feelings which simply cannot be restricted. It's a part of being human. But what we can do is control how we react to such situations. And here are some of my own views....so strap it in, here we go.

Loyalty in a primary relationship is what two people make of it. It should be fleshed out and examined as early as possible in the infancy of such a thing. It should also be established with the thought that these same two people have the obligation to grow within the relationship AND...yes...outside it as well. There are tenets that I have shared before that will never waver, because I believe them to be the benchposts for all relationships: friends, lovers, marriages, family, work, play, whatever label you wish to place on them.

TRUST -- Now what in the hell does that mean? To me, it's a simple idea that is very complicated in its implimentation. To trust someone, to truly trust them with your life, your loves, your ideas, your path, is the single most difficult thing we have in our lives. Because instead of offering up our trust initially, we wait to see if that trust is earned. If it's deserving. If it makes us comfortable. To give it to someone without having some idea that it is right is not only unwise, it is unsafe. I want to trust 'her' and the more interaction we have, the more I learn about whether I can do so or not.

But trust is absolutely useless to us without --

REAL COMMUNICATION....and I mean deep-down, substantial, nitty-gritty, what-does-it-mean-to-you talking about what's on your mind and in your heart. This is the other part of defining what a relationship is, in my opinion. We all have issues from our history, our lovers, our jobs, etc. How they affect our outlook on a potential partner is not only necessary to talk about, but vital to your own best interests. So you lay it all out on the table -- what you want, what you expect, what you like and don't like, how the relationship affects your own life, your own routine, philosophically, professionally, familially, sexually. I've said many times here that being open is so much more than who you suck and how much pussy you fuck. Walking the walk requires taking the risk to talk about it all. Once you talk about it and can establish some kind of common ground, then the trust can truly begin. In my life, the only real infidelity occurs when a partner or a friend ventures outside the agreed boundaries...and believe me, all relationship has and needs boundaries ... WITHOUT discussion or knowledge. If you feel that you are 'cheating' (and I hate words like this), then you just may be. But that is judgment we impose on ourselves, and it is painful and cruel to inflict a passionate spirit with such stilettos. There are many of us who cannot talk with our partners on such subjects because we fear their rejection... and yes, I have been there myself. An open relationship is just as evolving and growing as the closest lifelong friendship. But here is the problem.... we do not allow ourselves to take the chance that our mate will understand, because they might take it in the kind of personal way that we do not mean to offer. They may believe it to be a reflection of inadequacy on their part...or vice versa. In reality, it is all too common for us to stifle our impulses, our desires in order to not rock the boat. I personally have done my very best to allow the woman in my life, whoever she is, to know that not only do I have these desires...I want and encourage her to share those same things with me, and I focus on her first in discussion. The only rules that I have are these:

Wake up with me in the morning.
Go to bed with me at night.
Allow ourselves the magic opportunity to grow during the day.
Always TALK about what has arrived in your field of desire.

That's that. And even then, the rules are flexible and malleable, because we tend to grow at different speeds... As long as the foundation is there and is constantly referred to in my relationship, anything -- ANYTHING is possible and EVERYTHING is negotiable. And because I so fervently believe all this, I also extend it to all corners of the partnership. It is a choice to live openly. It is an obligation to do it responsibly. It is an opportunity to see it universally in our lives.

Okay. Bring it on; I love good debate and intelligent discussion. If you can show me that I might be wrong, I'm willing always to listen and consider. It's taken a lot of my 54 years to show what I believe here. Does anyone understand?