You all know me. You know I have always been consistent on the subject of open relationships, how all should be transparent, left on the table for discussion with your partner. I have never strayed from a consistent belief that all GOOD relationships are based on only two things -- communication...truly open, honest, liberal exchange between two people...and trust...the rock on which that communication rests. They are interchangable entities -- one cannot be espoused without the other, and I've never, ever seen it show me anything else. And I have always craved this woman in my life, whereever she may be.
Okay...this morning.....I just got an e-mail from someone I have known for 25 years. This is someone with whom I've worked and lived and loved and supported (and she for me as well). I had shared with her some of what I'd done online with regards to dating, blogging, etc. I mentioned that I had joined a swingers site online to find those women I want to meet. For me, such openness is reflective of a higher, more philosophical approach to life and is NOT just about the sexual back-and-forth.....Well, I just got an e-mail back this morning from her, where she calls me 'irresponsible' and 'suffering from a lack of commitment in my relationships' and 'being unfaithful....No wonder you don't have a woman...'
OH...MY...GAWD!!!
I am through! I am so tired of keeping myself TO myself. Fed up. I just don't get how and why people do this shit. It's totally okay for her to share her problems with coke, men, etc. But for me to share the steps I'm taking in my own life to find fulfillment...and for this bitch to JUDGE me, instead of wishing me luck, at the very least....THAT'S IT. I'M DONE. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE DO THIS SHIT!!! I know it's about THEIR insecurities, THEIR feelings on the matter. But Christ, it's been 25 fucking years....don't you know me by now, woman???
So I shared this with one of our friends out here and got the idea to do this as a post. Talk to me. What in the world is wrong with people, and why do we always have to put ourselves in a position where we shoot others down for their views?
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGHGHHHHH!!!!
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22 comments:
I don't get this stuff either. I'm fortunate in that my friends never judge. There are some who don't understand, and when that's the case they seek to. There are some that disagree or don't think, as my friend, that something I'm doing or engaged in his healthy for me, and we engage in open dialogue on the matter. For all I know they may be internally judging. And that's okay. We all have that. For example, based on your philosophy, you may judge (harsh word, perhaps disagree is better) with people who can't or won't live up to those two ideals. But you would NEVER offer anything other than constructive feedback on the matter. I know you well enough by now to know that. I'm sorry that this friend couldn't offer you that. If it were me I would file that information away and know that 'friendship' is limited. And that would of course anger and sadden me, as I'm sure it does you.
But I will confess. There are times out here that I have defied my 'no judgment' rule. It is hard not to. There are times when I feel like yelling "don't you see it? It's right there in your own words." I fight it with all my being and yet I don't always succeed. I would ask for compassion and forgiveness when I do so. No, this part has no real purpose. It just seemed like the right time to confess.
Kyra, honey, we ALL have judgment inside us, all of us. It's not that it will ever go away, because there are times when we need good judgment for our own wellbeing. I'm talking about how you share such things and whether you decide to impose YOUR judgment ON someone. That's a totally different entity and should not be tolerated. Don't ever be hard on yourself for such things. There is a difference between how YOU feel about something, how it affects YOU, and whether you make the decision to throw your morals on someone ELSE. THAT'S what I refer to here.
And yes, I am still pissed off...lol...
On Saturday, I spent the day with an old friend. We've known each other over 20 years. I won't go into details but I realized that self-absorbed, narrow minded, tunnel visioned people are not really "friends." They are only interested in having a body to espouse their beliefs and ideas. I, like you, Ron, am tired and pissed off at so-called friends that want us to bend to their will. Who makes them right? Do they like us for who we are or because we are "like" them? (So they think.) I'm also DONE with people like this. My time and life are too precious to waste.
Yes, we all have make judgements but the difference is we make them only for ourselves. We don't condemn or criticize others who don't see the world the way we do. We're also willing to learn, discuss and agree to disagree.
I've sort of gone on a rant and may not have gotten my point across but I know you and your readers will "get it!"
Heck, yes, Nitebyrd. We "get it".
Perhaps whenever I run into these "so-called friends", I discard them easily because of this type of behavior. They truly are not worth our time.
the only way not to judge is to come from a secure place in yourself, and to love LOVE without an expectation to outcome, or a need to control.
to many people have so little control over themselves, that the only way they feel empowered is to judge other people.
we all make judgments, it's how we survive as a species, but it's what we do with those judgments, that say the most about us as individuals.
You live your life , the way YOU chose, be honest and straightforward, hurt no one with intention, and let the rest of the minnows swim in there own shit.
The older and "wiser" I get the more I can see the big picture with people like this...and that is that they ARE throwing around their own insecurities and self esteem issues. They lash out in an attempt to make themselves feel superior or better.
It's hard to be the better person and take it, to not get angry or defensive, but really you need to approach this from the angle of feeling sorry for them rather than angry.
After 25 years of friendhsip I think she does understand you, it sounds more like she's having a bad time and taking it out on you. Be the better person and reply back with an "I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought you were more open minded and understood me better than that". If she is a true friend, a worthwhile friend, than she will realize she messed up.
So my wise friend, see the big picture. We do. And that is that you are an amazing man, with an amazing outlook on life, love, and lust.
XX
Sorrow...welcome.
A.Secret...What I didn't share in my rare pique was that was exactly the way I responded to her... calmly, with a sense of purpose. I don't expect to hear from her for a while, and you know, that's okay. This particular incident reminded me that I need not be ashamed or embarrassed (not that I am, mind you) of who I am and what I want.
I do continue to search life in the way that I choose. And I only hope that I can also pull wonderfully full, loving, passionate people like you along with me. You know how I feel about you; I've never hidden it. I can only hope that as time passes, we find ourselves in our own company on occasion and revel in what we share. Thanks for your kind words.
Just a thought but maybe her reply to you was coloured by a little jealousy.(I could be completely wrong here) maybe she would like to be more like you but can't as she is too afraid of being judged herself so hit out at you for having the freedom she wants.
Personally I have found that as I have got older, so I have become more open minded but on the flip side I have also become more critical of others than I ever was in my younger days.......I don't know what that says about me.
Give your friend time to think about what you have told her. Continue to be the same friend you have always been, let her see that you are still the same honest compassionate, caring man that she has known for 25 years, your revelations don't change anyhing about who you are.
Have you told her that her words have hurt you. That you had never expected to be treated in this manner by someone you have always had such a high regard for.
btw my word verification is 'farthee' maybe it would help if you used that in a rant.
This one is a good topic for me to comment on. I lost my oldest friend from childhood (3rd Grade) over being honest about an affair where I fell deeply in love and wanted to leave my husband (it was a brief time years ago, and the catalyst for marraige counseling).
She went insane on me with judgement, and we really haven't spoken since. I miss her, but I cannot be judged nor controlled by anyone. Anyone who knows me or my marriage (that I have confided in,) understands. Since losing her, I have not judged another since. Not unless someone does a malicous act intended to hurt another person. I don't believe in judgement except in rare circumstances. Otherwise, I reserve that for a higher power.
Long way of saying....give her time. She may just be jealous, confused or just plain fucked up right now. I hope someday my friend comes back to me and remembers why we were friends in the first place.
Funny footnote....she was the mistress of a marrried man for a few years when just out of college. Oh, the irony.....
XO, give her time, Ron. You are wonderful in my book.
Before my friend-thing happened in my life, I really thought i had the world figured out. Very strong in my convictions (hopefully not judgemental but hey, we do all have a bit of it in us).
The realtionship changed me so much. It humbled me from upon high and gave me a whole other persepctive into love, sex, marriage. Mt point is perhaps we go though this shit for a bigger purpose (mine may have been to knmock me down a bit).
I agree with some of the other commenters - that kind of tone, that kind of accusatory attitude is about her and not you. If she really felt that you were not doing what was best for you then a friend concerned for a friend would have approached it in a different way.
I just can't figure out what it is about sexuality that makes people who would otherwise mind their business so upset and angry. Your sex life is your own...and yet it is one area in which people certainly feel free to judge, even when it has nothing to do with the commonly cited excuses of the "sanctity of marriage" "infidelity" - people judge sexuality when it is just single people doing as they please.
While I find this facinating sociologically - it still sucks that she was judgy and obnoxious with you!
I've been gone for a bit, so I'm trying to catch up, but your post here struck a chord with me.
I've told only 2 people about my trouble with M. One being my Best Friend in the world. She's a sister to me and we've been through everything together. I couldn't survive without her support (not only with M...) and I've been the same for her. The other person was a good friend whom I had known for 5 years and in weak drunken moment, I confessed my adultery.
My confession came on the heels of some extremely candid discussions and revelations about her own life. Her significant drug use, horrible story of abuse by her ex-husband, alchoholism, her sketchy parenting decisions regarding her children...etc. So, my own admission was tiny in comparison. She spoke to me for often for a month following that night, always trying to gently convice me that what I was doing was wrong and I needed to stop (duh!) One day, she said she had nothing else to say to me and ceased all communication with me!
Her sins were extremely serious by comparison, life threating and just plain stupid, but I've always felt the role of a friend is to be a sounding board, offer advice when it's sought out - not to be judge and jury.
I think some folks just don't have the capacity for empathy.
Button, you are right, of course. And in looking back, her reaction (just like the one I received) was much more about where SHE is in her own life. One would not think that offering a little patience in a friendship would be so difficult, but yes, it is all related to change...and how hard it is. Everyone has the capacity. Few will take advantage of it.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I reach out and offer arms to hold you when you need it.
Kimberly, the issue of sexuality will always be a lightning rod. You are right -- it really is a fascinating thing to observe and even study. I think distance...as in being far way... gives people the impetus to comment on anyone in any way they feel. A bit like those who laugh at the misfortunes of others on reality TV, you know? It takes real respect to give one the benefit of a doubt and stay truly open. And I am now trying to surround myself with those influences.
Lady, you've acquired more experience than most people younger than you, and you'd like to share it in a constructive way...that's all it says about you. Whether one is receptive to it, well, that ends up being their problem.
CW, thanks for the kindness. I deeply appreciate your stance on being as fair as one can be.
Southerngirl, we ALL have judgment inside us...that's how we grow. The difference is in how we share it, or whether we do at all. I LIKE strong, opinionated souls... often, I find them more willing to discuss and actually change on something.
It's so very frustrating, isn't it? I have a friend like this. I do think it's more about her though. With my friend, it's that the conversation has shifted to a topic she can't participate in because of her hangups. Her groans and eye-rolls are her defense against being uninformed. I have learned to live with her unwillingness to be open about such things, but it does make me growl out loud sometimes.
You know we are all entitled to our own opinions. Either they accept of not. No matter which way it swings, it will come out in the end. Many situations like this are to test us and yet for us to learn from.
I often look at good friends as there for better or worse.....however it doesnt play like that sometimes because some are a bit more bullheaded. So hang on there mister. You never know which way that road will head. Warm hugs!
The desire that many people have to stand as judge, jury, and executioner just makes me ill. What makes them think that their viewpoint is the ONLY correct viewpoint?
You have lived your life in a way that has helped you define what you want and who you want. You are setting about to find someone who matches YOU. Nothing wrong with that. So what if someone else's viewpoint is different? It suits their life, not yours. And NO ONE has a right to try to make it fit!
Oh, it makes my blood boil.... Why couldn't she just say, "You know, it's not my cup of tea, but more power to you. Find what makes you happy, my friend."
Ugh.
I suppose I'm guilty of passing judgment from time to time.... It usually involves someone doing damage to someone else, though. I can't stand that.
I'm sorry this hurt you, Ron. How disappointing!
Take care!
:o) BJ
Sorry I've been out of touch lately to read and respond, my dear Ron. My friend and I have a saying when things like this happen: ARE YOU NEW HERE?
You are what you and always have been (even in the short time I have known you). The change, as you already know, is in the friend. The judgment, too, is from your friend and not from you. You are very accepting of everyone.
Hugs from down the road to you and all the people who have commented, like myself, who have lost friends in a similar situation. We often ask, "Were they truly friends to begin with?"
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