This one is hard, maybe the hardest post I’ve ever written. I've been trying to write it for nearly two weeks now. I am admitting something about myself that very few people might understand. But I need to stay true to myself insofar as being open and laying it all on the table.
I grew up as a kid watching parents in alcoholic states constantly. They were violent to each other, physically and emotionally. They never really stopped until fairly recently…yes, both are divorced and still with us. They often parlayed that into bad treatment of children in the house, and it was a constant battle to make sure they were satisfied at all times. That way, you wouldn’t get hurt. I have been hit in the face with a baseball bat. In my youth, I got into physical brawls with both Mom and Dad. I have borne the scars of having to go out to a tree, pick out my own switch and bring it in to them, only to have them beat me with it. So you learn this skill quickly and efficiently…especially on a binge.
Because of these examples, for the vast majority of my life, I’ve been proud of the fact that I have never lost my temper in front of people. I don’t know a living soul who has really seen me do it. That is both a blessing and a curse. I don’t hurt anyone in any way…but I have done awful things inside my own spirit. I am deathly afraid to show this side for fear that someone might get in the way or, even worse, I will reject someone out-of-hand – the very thing I fear would happen to me in relationships and friendships. I have always, always taken pride in my care and concern and respect for others. If you read me regularly, you know that I do my best to offer one good thing to someone on a daily basis…it is one of the basic tenets of my life. I do my best to share it and to instill in others (including all of you horndogs) a similar sense of obligation and love.
But I do get angry. Oh my God, I get extraordinarily frustrated and too often simply bury it. I have been to counseling to discuss it and continually get the same advice – to channel such anger in other ways. “….and Ron, it should be easy for you, with the kind of work you do…”
Nope. It doesn’t. Never has. Actors…indeed, people in the arts learn very quickly to categorize their lives in order to KEEP order. It is necessary to be able to withstand the rejection naturally contained within the job itself. I have long maintained that the two most irritating words an actor can hear on a daily basis are “Thank you”. In the business, we all know that means “don’t call us we’ll call you” or some other nonsense. Those who are strong enough learn to handle it. And since I've been an actor since I was 16, I regard myself as a good example of endurance.
My last month or so has been packed with events and people that have created one of those stretches for me. Job frustration in keeping them coming. Friends I’ve lost because they judged me badly on reading my blog, people that I thought would understand…it’s not the first time it happened and won’t be the last. My very nature tells me to reach out. If someone rejects you, pick your ass up and do it again…simply learn to be more selective….yeah, right… My financial status is back in flux again because of the job. On and on…It all culminated a week ago this past Friday when I was attacked and robbed after a show. Three men (maybe they were kids, I don’t know) tackled me from behind. Two of them held me down as a third went through my wallet and took $40. I got punched in the back of the head. Then when a car went by, they threw my wallet down and ran.
Since then, the angst, the anger has built more and more. I don’t know what to do, I’m so in turmoil. The only thing I have found that works in deflating the anger is something that I can only talk about here…and even then, I hope you understand. I don’t want to lose friends here too.
Very rough, let-it-all-go, harsh, loud and vocal sex. I put it boldly to see the words myself.
It requires a friend and/or partner willing to offer that kind of gift. And understanding that it’s both a sacrifice and a strength to allow me to me as dominant as I need in order to circumvent these godawful feelings. She needs to be just as submissive and challenging at the same time. I WANT her to fight me just a bit. I NEED to be able to vent in a way where she knows, she feels confident that when it’s all over, she will be nurtured and taken care of. And even as I write these words, my eyes fill up…I don’t know any other way in my life to find solace, because this could be potentially painful, which is why I know I could never go totally BDSM. I absolutely respect it as a tool in one's sexual arsenal...it's just too far for me.
But God help me, this is what works. I have been able to find such extremely rare occasions, maybe four or five times, with two women who are still friends today thankfully. Anyone who knows me knows that I am fervently against violence of any kind. And they would be just as chagrined and shocked to know this about me. I have nowhere to go with it. I am a loving, patient, absolutely open soul, I feel. And I don’t know how to stand up to this any other way. There are women I've had intimately in my life who have utterly no knowledge of such a feeling from me. It creates an intense feeling inside of anger and loneliness. Maybe you remember the post I wrote just a little while back, asking you all the question “How do you deal with feeling lonely?” Well, at present, this is why I am at that point. And the notes that I got from a couple of you, telling me to quit whining…fuck you. If you only knew…
Tell me you understand. Tell me someone will fly here and be my weekend bitch, so I can stop crying. It’s embarrassing to share, but it’s part of who I am, so I'm not at all sure if I should even feel shame. I don’t know if this is courageous or foolhardy to admit such a thing. I can just imagine it like the AA meetings that my parents never attended:
“Hello. I’m Ron. And I want to fuck and slap and suck you and make you listen to my profane language and help me get my anger out by using you, your body, your mind to do so…” Christ.
I just need to know that I’m not fucking nuts. There is so much more I want to share, but I fear enough. Please. Talk to me, ladies and gentlemen.
I am so tired inside…
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22 comments:
I applaud you for your ability to verbalize how you feel. You should never fear what you have to say here. This is YOUR outlet, your place to feel safe in what you want/need/desire.
I wish I could give you the release you need but for now I can only hope you can find someone to do that for you, so that you can move on.
If you're crazy, then my husband is completely nuts.
And if anyone tries to "cure" him, I'll pour sugar in their gas tank.
It's only crazy to want to do those things if you want to do them to a partner who doesn't consent to them. There are plenty of people who not only will consent to it but are very eager to do so. And as long as the consensual behavior does no lasting harm to either of them, they're not crazy, they're just having really hot sex.
Ron, dear....you know that if I could, I'd be on the next plane to see you and make it all better.
Foregoing that, just know that I do not think you're crazy. You know what outlet works for you, and you know how to keep it from getting out of control. That's important. To me, you're a very strong and desirous man!
:o) BJ
I'm not sure how much insight I can give as my situation is a bit different with B. He is very incredibly dominant, he does smack my ass, my breasts, my pussy, fucks the hell out of me hard and it rocks my world, I absolutely love submitting to him. He's also a gentle man, dedicated father, rescues dogs and cares for them utterly and values his role as protector of me when we are out. But he knows I want it, that it turns me on, and he checks with me if something is too much. While we often say I am his sex slave to use as he pleases, truth is we both know we both crave it hot and hard. But it's not intended to be harder than I find adds to the pleasure - I do enjoy a bit of pain, I have no idea why but it adds. I wouldn't want to go further - no hard-core BDSM, in other words.
But, honestly Ron, he's not taking his anger out on me. There are demons he overcomes by dominating me, yes, as well as things I overcome by submitting utterly to his needs.
If you are sure you are keeping it under control - which B prides himself on, his ability to control himself - and your partner enjoys it, then I see no harm. My worst "injury" has been a rug burn and sore muscles, etc. As with Helen, I would have it no other way.
“Hello. I’m Secret. And I want you to fuck and slap and suck me, and use your filthiest language and all of your Dominance. I'm going to use my body, my mind, and my sass to push you into giving me all you've got. Fuck me Stud. Fuck me hard”
XX
I understand how you are feeling...I don't think that there is anything wrong with the way you are feeling....rough sex is a very healthy outlet and if I could I would help you out...is there any way you can contact your lady friends that you are still in contact that has helped you out before? NEVER be embarassed or aprehensive to share your feelings...it is your feelings and your emotions. You give so much to others..it is time to allow us to give to you..even if it is just an ear to listen to....anytime you need it.
You're not nuts, you are human. I am the same way at times, Ron. I like it rough (like I have to tell you that, you read my blog, lol) but only in certain circumstances and/or with certain people. It can be a fantastic, cathartic tool.
Stay safe, will you?
:-)
CW
Rough? Taboo? pfffft! Babes, even if it's not a side of you that surfaces day to day, it's part of your sexuality and I think it's incredible. I know we're coming from different frames of reference, but it's interesting, exciting, and it makes you what you are, because it completes the picture of Ron...
I'm glad you can share it, I wish I knew how to direct you, but there must be somewhere or some advice for finding that partner for the weekend. In my part of town, I know people check out Craigslist, but I don't know if that's your thing.
As far as direct help, you know you have my ear. I'm glad you let me know how you were doing. And I'm glad to see you here. As with most of us, I'm sure the writing is therapeutic.
*hugs*
I don't think there is anything wrong with what you want, what you need. I understand the opposite side of that same coin.
Hopefully, you find some way to get what you need. I can relate to the frustration, the anger and the tears but if you can't find what you want, you need to find a way to deal with what you're feeling. It may not be ideal but it has to be done.
Friend, you have to know that in another life I would jump on that plane in a heartbeat.
"Very rough, let-it-all-go, harsh, loud and vocal sex" doesn't intimidate me. It sounds like just what the doctor ordered. I know I could trust you and I'm almost certain I could keep up. :)
You probably already have thought of this, but what about joining a site such as FetLife? You are able to set up you profile and write a bit about what you are looking for and direct it to people in your immediate area if you like. It may seem as a strictly BDSM site on the surface, but you may find a like-minded spirit who is available for what you need.
As for anyone who would come to YOUR blog and tell you to quit whining....a big, loud "FUCK OFF" to them. I hope they get the same kind of compassion they dish out in their time of need.
Well...I am absolutely humbled.
I've been rough in sex and enjoyed it immensely, and so has she. What I ask for, I suppose, is someone who would offer the intensity that I want from time to time, especially in those challenging moments. I just didn't expect such a reaction.
Was also hoping to hear a man's viewpoint, but hey, I am now investigating mass plane fare for every one of you...:)
Thank you.
Got here late...
Having been on the receiving end of rough angry sex (not angry at me) I found it quite gratifying. Sometimes, with the right person...it can unload much.
xo
Disclaimer: I know NOTHING of the type of release you seek or of BDSM. Okay? Okay...
I guess what I keep coming back to, Ron, is your comment "I know I could never go totally BDSM". It sounds to me like there is a little bit of a sadist streak to you and you want to inflict some pain as you get off. I wonder how true your statement really is.
The whole mugging thing really sucks. Sorry to hear about that.
Best wishes to you, Ron.
??????
OMG, Hubman said the S word!
"Sadist" is a word with such a big charge, isn't it? Especially so for heterosexual men, since many people think sadist = a man who likes to hurt women, which puts them in the same category as men who beat up their wives and girlfriends.
Now, who thinks that Ron is that kind of guy?
[crickets]
Yeah. In my world, "sadist" = guy who likes to terrible awful things to me, but only if I completely love and adore having them done to me.
That said, just as Ron gets to choose what he likes, he also gets to choose how to identify. If he doesn't like the term "sadist" or the connotations that come with it, he doesn't have to use it to identify himself, or accept it when others identify him that way.
[To Hubman: Absolutely no offense meant; I have too much faith in your good nature to think that you would ever sling mud at anyone. Just making an observation on the term.]
You are not fucking nuts. Not nuts. It takes courage to share this - thank you!
FWIW, when B and I first met, he said very firmly he is not a Sadist and I said very firmly that I don't get off on pain. Uh huh. 'nuf said, probably. FetLife is good, I agree. Lots of huge variations on the scale, mild to extremely extreme and it helps put the need into perspective.
Ok, I've read this and feel the need to offer a theraputic view, which you may not want. But I hope you can at least read and accept in the loving way that it is meant. I am not judging you at all, you should know me better than that. But I am hearing that you need help, and cause I'm not next to you to listen to you then this is it.And if you want anymore of my opinion then you know where I am, or not!
In the absense of hard rough sex and you feeling that you will explode with the rage inside you, go and buy a punch bag and beat hell out of it.
Not cause there is anything wrong with you wanting sex the way you do, mearly as a means to get rid of some of the rage it sucks.
Your counsellor sounds crap.... anyone who knows about feelings knows that you playing Othello or whatever, will be doing just that playing Othello. You won't be Ron dealing with Ron's stuff. And it's your need to find a way to deal with the inner turmoil that will destroy your sense of yourself if you don't find a way to let go of some of the rage.
Hard sex should be something you are having for pleasure not as a way to 'cure' your pain.
So there you go, now you can tell me to fuck off!
xx
Hey, this is my first time here and I have to warn you that I've only read this post. But from what I gather it says more than any other post you've written.
I have to agree with Fire Byrd. You need to find other outlets for your anger until you work things out. Otherwise you risk "exploding".
How do you deal with lonliness?
I've always been taught that you have to feel whole before you can be happy with another person. Sound cheesey? It is. But it's true. Lonliness is a symptom of not being whole. You have to do some research, concentrate hard on why you feel lonely. Meditate. You need to work on you first. Once you've exorcized your ghosts you'll be happy and you'll find someone. It takes time, mourning, healing, loving yourself, and especially work.
Good luck
*hugs* It sounds like you need them.
This is my first visit to your blog and possibly the first time I've felt such a strong compunction to respond with an actual piece of writing I did some time ago. I don't self-promote in this manner, ever, but the piece served its cathartic purpose and I've since hidden it and therefore, I can't share it with you in any other way. It's called, "Unleashed Goes My Fury".
It is immediate. The taunting, the teasing, the twisting of him, in his travels, on his way to my bed. It is purposeful. He is my diffusion when I rage. And he knows it. And he takes it. All of it.
He is quick through my door and I'm pushed to the wall. His wet mouth, an avalanche of bruising assaults. I want it. I want more of it. His t-shirt goes to shredding, split from his neck to his belly. I rake his skin, while my clothes are trashed. His nipple is bit. Blood on my lip. Provoking. I am provocative. I want my fury matched. I want fury inside me, till I am numb.
Our clashing is violent. Arms pinned to the wall above my head. Limbs wrapped as a vice around his waist. His body crushed hard against me. His stretch of cock, a steel driver. Lifting and pounding. Splitting me. Seizing me. He is tap, tap, tapping at my spine. It sends shockwaves to my brain.
Then, a catch of breath. His rhythm soundly slows, solidifies. He is a scorched, hot iron inside me and I am a walled sheath of fire. Enters. Withdrawals. Enters. Withdrawals. Pitched and privied. Each deliberate thrust is met with his mouth, sipping at tears. And he drinks of me. He always does. He whispers a warning in my ear and asks if I'm ready. A muttered, "yes," and my shattering begins. My vessel obliterated. Plunged to the core. It is immediate. It is quick. Molten, my stream upon him and my rage spills in convulsions. And he takes it. All of it.
I am left, a quivering mass of flesh on the floor. And I feel nothing. Nothing, except that stippled cadance of a condensing orgasm between my thighs. Nothing.
It is immediate, it is dissolved.
I've shared this with you because, while I'm not involved in any BDSM activity, this is an actual event that occurred after a trauma within my life. Similar events have happened since then, and this man, this man who is my lover during these times, is a lifeline to resolve, and resolution.
It's not so much about the rough sex, it's about diffusion and this lends itself to constructive, and intensely pleasurable diffusion. I disagree with the lean on comments that indicate you might contain within you some sort of sadistic streak. This, what you've described, is about purging. Your intent seems not to be about inflicting pain but rather to release yours. There's nothing sadistic about that at all. Lovers engaging in intense make-up sex, for instance, describe those experiences as being among the best they've had. The reason lends itself to matching the intensity of the pleasure with the internal pain. They purge their anger through each other. It's that simple and really not at all that uncommon.
My best to you,
S.
I'm catching up as I am waaay behind...but, I got to this post and well, I'm stunned. I'm caught between wanting to kill everyone who has hurt you and wanting to show up at your doorstep to help you release your demons by whatever means necessary. Maybe I'll do both.
I'm a screamer too though. I hope your place is sound proofed or someone might call the cops on us. ;)
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