Sex As A Healer

Feeling damned lonely tonight. A little preoccupied, I suppose, with things in life I need to face and deal with. And I want someone to hold onto, someone I can help be happy for a time, or one who would feel it an honor to help me find a calm in my heart on nights like this. And I am suddenly thinking of the latest post from Pocket Secrets...she has it right in this case. I have inside me a surprisingly strong intuitive nature, and I’ve said in the past that this kind of giving among friends and lovers and, in some cases, acquaintances is strengthening and even therapeutic. It’s a kind of affirmation of faith in people for me, I guess…the touching, the release, the sharing. Intimacy, sexual or otherwise, between two people or in front of hundreds (and that does exist) never changes.

We all want to know that we are valued. A quick way that we have found is in sexual, intimate exchange. There is nothing wrong with it, provided that everyone involved understands what it is. You can laugh, you can cry. You can watch, you can play. You can think and feel and reason. You can forget your problem OR you can concentrate on it with a renewed energy. You can share a great deal of your pain and your pleasure in such ways. A real favorite of mine is to put myself into an intimate moment with someone and, as we are fucking or sucking or stroking or watching or whatever comes to mind, we begin to talk about what’s on our minds. It is a wonderful masturbation exercise and an incredibly erotic thing to experience…to just talk about your day, for instance, while you are able to offer or accept an intense sexual pleasure of some note to you. I am in extreme need such an exchange this evening, because I can’t clear my mind. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more of a worrier, and not just of my own foibles. Bugs the hell out of me. I still retain my own sense of self, but I yearn, I absolutely ache for someone whose own comprehension of what life is falls into mine like a hand in glove. I’m tired of working so hard and seeing so little come of it.

I sit here gazing out the front door at the endless white that surrounds my little coachhouse. The weather has not been kind here in Chicago this winter. My old dog Jake lies quietly on the floor, occasionally opening his eyes and moving his head to look at me. There are pressures I’ve not shared that are staring squarely into my future. As stout as I feel that I am as a person, let alone as a man, I am afraid. Afraid that there are simply some mistakes in life for which one never stops paying. Afraid of judgment from others. We all have those spectres and we all have to stare them down at one point or another. I have reached a Waterloo with a couple of these issues. One is financial in nature, and it reaffirms my own hate of money. If I had become an actor for the money, I would have gotten out of the business years ago. Having said that, it is an entity we all need to move forward. So I’ll deal with it and accept the consequences in the best way I can. The other, of course, is sexual, and it’s much harder to reason out…such issues touch our very core, and we take remarkable care to avoid emotional pain in that domain. When I feel more comfortable about it all, I’ll gladly share with you. It’s not about being horny -- never has been. Never been about simply sex for the sake of it Those of you who know me, who have read me regularly can see that there are very few people more open and uninhibited than me…and I’m proud of that fact. Because even within all that positioning, I have found a moment or two that created a boundary.

No, it’s much more rooted in one’s desire to share with another what is on his mind, or what is alive in his heart, or what is important enough to reveal. There are just too few souls around us who get that, who understand, and who are willing to jump in, because it’s the human thing to do.

I just don’t want to feel lonely. Not tonight.