Conformity....God Help Us

As I am wont to do on occasion...and because I'm tired of feeling like a lone wolf in my attitudes...I will reach out to folks and try to share the more 'radical' side of me...you know what I mean, the side that you keep quiet because you just know that they won't get it, or you will be submitted to harsh judgment because you look at life differently than they do.

I am nothing if not brave. Trouble is, when you do feel rejected, it also makes you feel foolish.

I'm in a play here in Chicago right now. As you might expect, the social interplay between actors, crew members, etc., is a bit looser than in most work situations. Sometimes that is by necessity, because of the nature of the work. After all, when you have to shake your own persona away and literally become someone else for two hours, there has to be a bit of give-and-take in that exchange. You do your best to maintain respect for each other, while at the same time dipping your toe in the pool to see if there is more in the offing.

Once again, however, I find my philosophies at odds with the reality. I brought my laptop in to work recently on a blog post, as well as to catch up on e-mail, research, etc. I was typing away on my previous post when a woman in the cast came in. She had given every indication from my observance and from her actions that she might be someone to have an interest in what I was writing. Her own bawdy sense of humor and physical demeanor allowed me to take a chance. So...when she asked me what I was working on, I said "Oh, I write a blog." We were the only ones in the dressing room (another indication -- this theatre is limited on space, so men and women share the same dressing rooms), so I thought innocently "What's the harm?" She kept pressing me and I kept saying to her "This is pretty open stuff...I don't want you to be offended. Moreoever, I don't want to hurt our friendship." She laughed and said "Oh fuck Ron, let me read."

So I did. It was the usual reaction, the same mistake. I never learn. And I probably never will, simply because it's in my nature to continue to reach out.

She got about halfway through one of my Harem stories and she said, with apprehension and surprise "Why, Ron? Why do you do this?" And I was honest. "Well, it's a side of me that I've always explored and I enjoy it. I wish there were others who had similar interests." She stepped away slowly from my laptop, looked at me and said "....Ron....that's creepy..."

Creepy.

She has not said more than five words to me since.

And once again, I am left with the feeling that the world expects you to fit into one basic shell, and that if you don't conform, there is something wrong with YOU. Now intellectually, I do know that this was all about HER, about HER outlooks, and so on. But it's so....exhausting.

I know that the wolf is a pack animal. But the tattoo on my shoulder of the wolf howling at the moon tells me differently. We MUST be allowed to be the people we want to be. Furthermore, if we judge others, we are no better than they are when said judgment happens. I have always believed in the stark individuality of all people, that they have the right to be who and what they want to be, as long as it respects those around them who look at life differently.

I'm tired of it. I've been on a mission to find that woman in my life that I want who gets it, who understands, who wants to be a part of such a free and open philosophy. And yet...

I sometimes wonder if there really is something wrong with me. And if so, wondering if there is something wrong with someone else, so we could be content in each other's nonconformity.

But I'm too social a creature. So I continue to howl at the moon, hoping someone will answer.