Counseling The 'Perv' Inside

This is a condensing of four counseling sessions I had that helped immeasurably in arriving at where I am now, friends. The first one was pretty standard, with background, reasons for contacting a therapist, etc. Then...we dove in...


_______________________________________


...."Okay...so tell me what's wrong with how you are feeling..."


She sat calmly, this attractive kink counselor I'll call Susan. Obviously I was not yet comfortable, even as I knew why I was in her office. She actually offered me coffee as we talked. I shared with her my recent experience of being attacked. How it made me feel. How it stirred urges inside that I couldn't yet explain, let alone act upon. How in the past, there had been rare occasion of relief and even satisfaction through very select partners sexually that the vast majority of my friends simply would not understand, let alone the vaunted word 'society'.


So Susan said to me "Ronald, it seems to me that you feel as if somebody took something away from you." Yes, I acknowledged....my spirit had been invaded, and I just didn't know how to handle it. "This reaction you have...there is absolutely nothing wrong with it." "So then, Susan, how do I handle it? I'm so afraid to lose my temper; I have no idea what might happen." "Don't overreact, Ron. You are obviously much more aware and sensitive than most of the people I talk to on this subject." "What subject?"


"Dominance."


Now intellectually, I knew it. And you all know my awareness of so many things sexual. But it really did catch me offguard, the immediacy with which Susan went right to the meat of the matter. So I sat and listened.


She shared that the philosophy behind it all was so much more than the images that one often sees. And that it's not anything that is entered into seriously without lots of discussion with people of trust, people with experience in the life, and people who care about safety and self-expression...an odd combination at the time to me, but one I now understand and accept.


Susan asked me about my own sexual practices. I asked her right back why it was important to share this with her. "Because you are the one concerned with the mindset you have. Talking about them offers insight into where you can go with what you might be attracted to." Jesus...so common sense. So...yes, I told her.... I like to spank. Hard. I like very rough sex; I deeply enjoy submission in that regard. I love the thickness of a woman's hair, so I can pull and clutch and, well, you get the rest. Other things as well, which I'll keep for now.


She said "Do you realize that these are fetishes that comprise a basic part of D/s? These are also starting points for further exploration into BDSM."


Really? So my physicality is a fetish? Susan chuckled at me. "Well, not as a whole, Ron, no. But those things you just shared are regarded as fetishes in the 'community'. You really are no different than many others." And then she said something that really surprised me. "With your outlook and the practices you say you enjoy, some woman would be happy to be a very lucky submissive for you."


Again...really? Me? "Oh yes, Ron. You would be highly prized." I have been naturally practicing what I intellectually feared for the majority of my sexual life. The word that kept creeping into my mind was 'fascinating'.


Okay, Susan, so you need to be my new agent, then.

And it's interesting, as I look back a bit. I previously had shared with you a blogger friend who enjoys these things who said almost verbatim the same thing to me. The fates were talking to me. I decided...for my own comfort and sanity...to listen. And to act. I found a website that appealed to me, that approached the subject gracefully and almost communally. Yes, some images still don't agree with my own growing approach. But I kept moving forward. I created a profile there. I am nearly as open there as I am here, except for a picture (because of my profession, naturally). And I am happy to share it with you in e-mail, if you'd like to know...and if you have arrived at the same place I faced, no matter how you got there. And the fascinating thing was offering up a list of the 'fetishes' I appreciated...plus some that I wanted to learn about.


And get this...I went to a workshop on flogging. Yes, flogging. It was not at all what I expected. And it was pretty impressive. And I got to be a part of it, almost by accident. Stay tuned here; I can't wait to hear you laugh and see you smile about this... The writing is now coming back to me, and I want to share it as articulately as I can...


Oh, by the way....a term I never encountered before... sapiosexuality...the fetish of being sexually excited by one's intelligence or articulate nature....I guess that means I want to fuck all of you at the same time...:)